Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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