I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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