he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
