Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When are your genitals available?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
