I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
