Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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