Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
