i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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