The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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