My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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