Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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