I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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