so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
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I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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