I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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