ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you guys were way drunker than both of me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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