i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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