One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
