apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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