I accidentally had phone sex last night
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
