Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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