3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
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The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
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We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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