i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
