youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
