so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
