Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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