yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
In other news, I just burned my penis
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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