Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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