im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
