Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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