Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
