My hand turned me down
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
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My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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