just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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