Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Quick, to the slutcave!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize