This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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