So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
