just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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