WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
