Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
