Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
