Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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