I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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