Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
