Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
