his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
