wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
