I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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