at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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