it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
