i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
