Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
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As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
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Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The Easter sex puns were too abundant