party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home