Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz