I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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