I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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