omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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