You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
