Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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