And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
