She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
