That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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