Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
